Doris Bersing, PhD
Blog

Empowering Women: Unlocking the Past, Embracing the Future in Women’s History Month

There are never enough opportunities to celebrate women, which is why Women’s History Month is so important; celebrating women is crucial, and yes, I know you might think, “another article about women?” and I say, yes, one encore! I am writing about women as a fellow woman, forever connected to the cause. While we should be recognizing and honoring women’s contributions all year round, March provides a special occasion to emphasize their significance in our society.

As someone who is constantly balancing advocating for women’s empowerment and creating a roadmap for aging well, I am fascinated by the resilience of forgotten role models who remind us that there is still work to be done and causes to contribute to. As old age begins to affect me, I find myself reflecting on the subject of older women. What is our place in society? What is our role? What is our responsibility and final vindication? I refuse to associate “old age” with anything negative or meaningless. I reject the idea that it is solely defined as “the declining years,” “senility,” “dotage,” or “senescence.” No, if my age is going to define me, it will be in terms of purpose, fulfillment, and vibrancy. It will be about growth, wisdom, power, and giving back to our community.

When I think about all the women who have inspired me – those I have loved, those who have loved me, those who have shared their stories, and those who have allowed me to witness their journeys – I realize that resilience is a crucial tool for achieving what can be called “successful aging.” The skills we honed during our rebellious years can still guide us on this new journey. As Gloria Steinem once said, “I have faith that with the aging of the baby boomers, that ‘wonderful, rebellious group, will redefined aging but for that they need to get over the hurdle of being terrified about getting old because if we’re fearing aging, we’re losing our greatest revolutionaries.” It is about conquering fear and trailblazing our path ahead. Using skills from the past and gaining awareness is a first step. However, wisdom and personal awareness do not automatically come with age or because of a passing calendar. Personal wisdom requires hard work – it involves introspection, growth, respect, and self-awareness. Achieving balance takes great personal effort, increasing levels of awareness, and an understanding of our own strengths and limitations.

Many women still desire to find a partner, to be protected, supported, and fathered. For some, staying at home and raising children is more important than pursuing a career. While this may be the right decision for some, gender inequality and a patriarchal power structure often prevent women from making an informed choice. Another challenge is that many women who fought for independence and self-sufficiency find themselves alone and unfulfilled, in part because they were unable to find a long-term partner who could live up to their standards of liberation. This has created a divide between strong women and comparatively weak men. Women striving to reclaim their role as wise women have challenged men in their traditional roles as kings and warriors, leading to a backlash from some men. Some lament the loss of the old ways, where men were hunter-warriors and women stayed home to take care of the family. However, every person is unique, and women should be free to choose their own path – whether it is that of a mother, warrior, crone, sage, medicine woman, or ruler; there is room for all of us, with our diverse aspirations and ambitions, in this world.

We require self-reflection and deep introspection in order to transform ourselves and discover our true calling. It is essential to refine our abilities, including resilience and determination. By actively listening to the experiences of older women, we can gain valuable insights into our strength, purpose, living in the present moment, and becoming the catalyst for change. One of my clients, Josephine, an older woman, imparted a significant lesson to me. She serves as living evidence that there is still immense beauty and awe to be found in our later years.even in the most challenging circumstances (Josephine was a resident in an assisted living facility, which is not always seen as a place of positive aging due to the often-rapid decline of its residents). Meet Josephine, here.

Josephine’s accounts of civil rights, equality, and women’s rights in the 1960s and 1970s resonated with my understanding of feminism. Despite not fitting my exact image of a feminist, her narrative sparked thoughts about challenges faced by aging women in a society that doesn’t value them. She showed a shift in the feminist movement from liberation to mentorship, offering opportunities for aging women who can remain active and vibrant, and giving back, even in old age.

Therefore, let us seize the opportunity of celebrating International Women’s Month to tap into the collective wisdom of women and allow it to guide us on a transformative journey of healing and growth. It is crucial for women of all races, gender expressions, sexual orientations, socioeconomic classes, religions, ethnicities, and ages to come together as a united force against the patriarchal idea that our value diminishes as we age. We must also address the unfortunate reality that some of us feel invisible in society.

Copyright NATIONAL WOMEN’S HISTORY ALLIANCE | 2023

In this pursuit, let us seek out our role models, our “Josephine(s)”, who inspire us with their writings, actions, and accomplishments. These role models are the ones we admire and look up to, as they embody the strength and resilience that we aspire to possess. By tapping into our inner crone and embracing her wisdom, we can redefine ourselves after 50, 60, or any age that represents this third and long phase of life. We can become teachers, role models, and sources of inspiration for future generations.

Together, as a diverse group of women, we can challenge societal norms, break free from the constraints imposed by ageism, and create a world where every woman is valued and respected, regardless of her age. Let us celebrate the beauty and wisdom that comes with age, and let it be a testament to the strength and resilience of women throughout history. By doing so, we can pave the way for a more inclusive and empowering future for all women. Are you ready?


It’s Leap Year! Take a Leap and Dare to Age Well.

The concept of aging well may seem puzzling – what exactly does it mean to age well? Is it about aging gracefully? It may appear unexciting, as striving to look younger or conforming to societal expectations based on age can be overvalued. Instead, perhaps we should focus on aging with purpose, finding happiness in the later years. Maybe grace, although it may sound pleasant, is not the solution. Heather Havrilesky once expressed in an article about aging well that she believes being powerful is more important than being graceful. She believes that aging gracefully requires constantly proving oneself against various challenges such as personal criticism, public humiliation, and a steady stream of negative comments. It also involves a slow deterioration of self-confidence and sudden shocks that can cause one’s illusions to crumble. However, she asserts that individuals should pursue their passions and be true to themselves, following their bold and unconventional impulses. Ultimately, the key to aging well is daring to live life on one’s own terms and by that token daring to age well.

Instead of persisting on the path of misogyny by trying to be a “nice lady” as we age, we can embrace and rejoice in the process of getting older by acknowledging the positive aspects of aging. While there may be difficulties to navigate with age such as physical weakness or fragility, it is important to face them with a positive attitude. This year let’s chart a path towards empowerment and redefine what it means to age well for ourselves as older women and defy societal expectations about aging. Let us also discover the resilience and confidence within us to age gracefully and optimistically. As we embrace the concept of leap year, let’s explore some tips for taking a leap towards aging well. Do at least one courageous thing this year to make you more interesting to yourself — and to others! Start with one of these suggestions:

  • Create a space for yourself (it could be just carving out some time for just YOU! Self-care, reading, taking a bubble bath, going to the hair salon. Step out of your comfort zone and try something you’ve always wanted to do but never had the chance. It could be learning a musical instrument, taking up painting, or even traveling to a new destination. Embracing new experiences can help maintain cognitive function and promote personal growth.
  • Nourish your mind and book a full hour with your counselor or psychotherapist to explore new ways to reinvent yourself. Allow space to dive deeper into your emotions and give yourself permission to feel. Leap year serves as a reminder that change is possible, at any age, and that personal growth should be an ongoing journey. Whether it’s overcoming fears, facing adversity, or pursuing lifelong dreams, leap year encourages us to take a leap of faith and believe in our ability to grow and evolve.
  • Go out with an old friend, with no-agenda. Just to share time, space, and being. Maintaining strong social connections is crucial for overall well-being. Try to nurture existing relationships and forge new connections. Spending time with other people can prevent you from feeling lonely or anxious and can provide a sense of belonging and contribute to a happier and more fulfilling life.
  • Join a dating online platform if looking for a companion or if you are single, divorced, or bereaved and would like to meet someone, (If not computer savvy, take a FREE course at your local library, no excuses! When finding your candidate, legend has it that Saint Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, granted women the right to propose to men on leap day, leading to the tradition of women proposing on February 29th, so go for it.
  • Engage as a volunteer at a preferred organization in your community. There are countless ways for older adults to get involved and make a positive impact through volunteering. Just few options are: mentoring and tutoring—using the tricks of the old dog, participating in local charity events, offering your skills and expertise to nonprofit organizations, engaging in community service projects like serving meals at a soup kitchen or organizing recreational activities for seniors.
  • Stay Active—and this does not mean joining, one more time, a gym, it means just to move, to engage in regular physical activity that suits your abilities and interests. This could be anything from walking, swimming, yoga, dancing, gardening, going up and down the stairs, walk to the store, do yard work, clean your house, or dancing, just keep on moving!
  • If you find that you are no longer able to do the things you used to do, try to develop new hobbies and interests (learn a language, take on playing an instrument, create new dishes in the kitchen. Whatever can rock your boat and gives you joy is IN! Pursue your passions.
  • Finally, do not procrastinate your health care and make this leap year, the one to repeat a full check-up. Make the most of your doctor. Everything taking care of yourself goes, after all why not devoting, simply, this year to love yourself more?

If in need of some inspiration, read what 100 centennials can say about living and aging well.

Among other things, they suggest you “… Keep your eyes open, never stay stuck in the past, , leap into the future, … and dance while you still can… ”


Older Women: The Double Standards of Aging

I am very passionate about the theme of older women and aging women. I am struck by how hard it is for some women to age gracefully and enjoy their lives, or exercise their professions, find new hobbies, make new relationships, or express and fulfill their desires and sexuality. I reflect on the other part of the equation—like the Ying and Yang of the universe, where there are always opposites manifesting daily—where a more positive attitude can rule.  The one society does not embrace often but could exist, the one that should also be possible and considers age as something beautiful, a positive part of evolution.

Ageism and Sexism

As Robert Heinlen— , one of the most influential and controversial hard science fiction authors, once said:

“Anybody can look at a pretty girl and see a pretty girl. An artist can look at a pretty girl and see the old woman she will become. A better artist can look at an old woman and see the pretty girl that she used to be. But a great artist-a master-and that is what Auguste Rodin was-can look at an old woman, portray her exactly as she is…and force the viewer to see the pretty girl she used to be…and more than that, he can make anyone with the sensitivity of an armadillo, or even you, see that this lovely young girl is still alive, not old and ugly at all, but simply prisoned inside her ruined body. He can make you feel the quiet, endless tragedy that there was never a girl born who ever grew older than eighteen in her heart…no matter what the merciless hours have done to her. Look at her, Ben. Growing old doesn’t matter to you and me; we were never meant to be admired-but it does to them.”

Do we all need to be good artists, or this positive side of the aging women equation is just science fiction? Culturally, there are influences against any positive view of this process for women but not for men who become the old sexies or the silver foxes (a term with a more positive meaning “an attractive middle-aged man having mostly gray or white hair.”). Tired of the double standard and given the influx of beautiful and interesting women with silver hair, people started using the term “silver vixen.” However, the term has been distorted to refer to a person who is hot-headed and ill-tempered. Vixens are often used to mock a woman who is rude or unpleasant. Surprised?

Other distortions we could observe during past centuries are the use of words describing wise women–crone, hag, and witch—once were all positive words for old women. Crones, hags, and witches frequently were leaders, midwives, and healers in their communities. The meanings of these three words, however, were distorted and eventually reversed during the 300 years of the Inquisition when the male-dominated church wanted to eliminate women holding positions of power. Women identified as witches, who were often older women, i.e. crones and hags, were tortured and burned, and the words witch, crone, and hag took on the negative connotations that continue as so in our language. Many examples of sexism and misogyny plague our current culture for all women but when it comes to older women, we find this discrimination to be multilayer going through race, gender, sexual preference, and of course age.

The double standards faced by older women

Since Susan Sontag coined in the 1970s the phrase “double standard of aging”, discussions about this dual interpretation of aging have continued to evolve. Recent feminist gerontology scholars have called for an intersectoral approach to cultural norms regarding physical appearance and aging. Hated for many, Sontag described aging in “The Double Standard of Aging,” with a terrible clarity: “Growing old is primarily an ordeal of imagination, a moral disease, and a social pathology, which affects women more than men.” The horizon of potential dwindled and receded day by day… According to the author, is a social convention which states that aging improves men but destroys women.

Women are therefore held to a greater standard, regarding aging, than men. Gwyneth Paltrow, a younger woman (50+), has validated this double standard of aging. In an interview with British Vogue ,Paltrow discussed the “double-standard” of women having to maintain their beauty while men get older and are celebrated.

“I think that it is a cultural problem.” Paltrow reflected on the fact that women are judged harsher for getting older. As women, we are interested in being healthy and aging. It’s so strange that we are supposed to freeze in time.

The double standard of aging, as described by Sontag, refers to both genders being devalued at older ages – ageism in a youth-oriented society. However, the standards in our culture create more problems for women than men. Sontag’s “double standard” of aging is a devaluation of both genders as they age, i.e. ageism in a young-oriented culture. However, the standards in our culture cause more problems for older women than men. Women suffer greater losses because aging erodes the social assets of women (their attractiveness), while men gain from their most valuable social resources (their earning power and achievements in the public arena). Women must hide their aging to be considered by society as distinguished.

Mental and Physical Wellbeing

Men have a wider range of options, while women are more confined to the idea that beauty is equated with youthfulness. Women’s aging is associated with a loss of sexual and visual allure, while a man of a higher age can be considered “handsome” and “sexy”. In terms of sexuality and intimacy women follow the “happiness scripts” that tell us what older women should do to feel happy. These scripts place a strong emphasis on the beauty of the body, sexual desire, and timelines. The dominant happiness scripts for older women focus on beauty and body. This includes anti-aging products, cosmeceuticals and cosmetics that can hide signs of ageing. Got Botox?

A woman who doesn’t look old is the happy older woman. Women who cannot counteract the ageing process are usually portrayed as unhappy. The aging narrative is a downward spiral in which older women feel unhappy due to their loss of beauty and are alienated by their mirror reflection. As a result, older women who are less attractive tend to feel like a second-class citizen, unattractive and purposeless. They may even become asexual.

It is acceptable for a young woman to have a love interest for aged men but older women who have sex with younger men are ridiculed. While the pressures on older people to remain sexually active as part of a wider project of ‘active’ aging are undoubtedly increasing there is still a copout to refuse sexual activity on the grounds of advanced age and loss of attractiveness in contrast with the sexy oldie-fox for image men.

To add insult to injury, there are new and continually increasing pressures on older people to remain sexually active as part of a wider project of ‘successful’, ‘active’ or ‘positive’ ageing. For men, hence more of the double standard of aging, this active aging is fixed and supported by global pharma—who have not heard of VIAGRA—and yet what for women? Many, supported by the ‘asexual older person’ discourse, which places the sexual activity of older women within the outer limits, just refuse or abstain from having sex. Yet, refusal or abstinence is just an option and should not be the norm. Often, a decision to not have sex or a declaration that you don’t want to be sexual can become stigmatizing in later life. It is easy to reject sex or sexuality because of age, if the “asexual older person” narrative continues to be available—after all, to do anything else would be bad, abnormal, unnatural, damned.

Alternately, some older women may find it liberating to be free of sex. This is especially true for those who never enjoyed sex in the past. Or for those who have experienced sex in their marriages as a duty, but not as something they enjoyed. Women who once enjoyed sex can refuse to have sex later in life by claiming that sexual interest will decline. It is not a one size-fits-all. How much of these beliefs or attitudes are genuine and how many are introjections of socio-cultural values?

Overcoming Societal Stereotypes and Prejudices

The same is true when it comes to social and psychological stereotypes. While older men are perceived to be wise, experienced, forceful, and authoritative, older women are perceived to be vulnerable, stubborn, and frail, invisible, and just plain old. Hillary Clinton is an excellent example. Rush Limbaugh, a radio commentator, predicted in 2007 that the U.S. People would not vote for Senator Clinton because they would not like to see a woman “age before their very eyes.” In 2014, her critics claimed that she was “too old” to run for the presidency again. However, these same critics did not have any concerns regarding Donald Trump, Joe Biden, or John McCain’s ages when they ran. The American culture frowns upon ugly women, and an older woman is considered ugly, and it seems she should be invisible too.

In popular culture, societal stereotypes often paint a negative image of older women, while giving older men a more positive portrayal. This creates a stark contrast between the experiences of men and women as they age. For women, the process of aging is often depicted as challenging and filled with physical changes such as saggy breasts, spotted hands, and wrinkled necks. These portrayals reinforce the idea that older women are frail and fragile. On the other hand, society tends to view lines and wrinkles on a man’s face as signs of character and wisdom, without placing the same pressure on them to hide signs of aging through hair dye, anti-aging creams, or Botox. However, in reality, many older women defy these stereotypes. They are strong, resilient individuals who are capable of accomplishing incredible things despite societal expectations. Their experiences should not be reduced to simplistic narratives that focus solely on physical appearance. It is important to recognize that the beauty and worth of older women go beyond external features. Their strength comes from their experiences, wisdom, and resilience.

It is crucial that we highlight their strength and resilience to counteract these limiting beliefs about aging. While it is true that society tends to idolize youthfulness, we should not overlook the wisdom and experience that come with age. Older women have a wealth of knowledge to offer, based on their life experiences. By valuing their insights and contributions, we can create a more inclusive society that respects individuals regardless of age or gender. It is time to challenge the societal norms that perpetuate negative stereotypes about older women. Let us celebrate their achievements, acknowledge their strengths, and promote a more accurate portrayal of aging in media and society. By doing so, we can pave the way for a future where everyone is valued for who they are rather than how they look or their age.

Impact of ageism on healthcare for older women

On one hand, it is evident that older women bear the brunt of society’s double standards when it comes to ageism, sexism, and gender biases. These unfair expectations can take a toll on their mental and emotional well-being. However, it is important to note that internalizing these ageist stereotypes can intensify their impact, leading to a decrease in self-esteem and a sense of helplessness. This, in turn, can contribute to feelings of anxiety, depression, and despondency among older women. It is crucial for society to recognize and challenge these harmful attitudes to create a more inclusive and supportive environment for all individuals regardless of age or gender. By acknowledging the unique challenges faced by older women and promoting equality across all generations, we can work towards dismantling the double standards of aging that perpetuate sexism and ageism.

Furthermore, the disparity in health care for older women is a pressing issue that cannot be overlooked. Ageism has far-reaching consequences, particularly in the realm of healthcare for older women. Stereotypes and biases can affect the quality of care received by older women, leading to misdiagnoses, undertreatment, or neglect. Healthcare providers may unconsciously prioritize the health concerns of younger patients, dismissing or downplaying the symptoms and concerns of older women. This can result in delayed or inadequate medical interventions, potentially compromising the health and well-being of older women.

While women tend to live longer than men, they are often faced with unequal access to quality healthcare as they age. This discrepancy is not only rooted in sexism but also fueled by ageism, perpetuating a cycle of discrimination against older women. The double standards of aging, combined with deep-seated sexism and ageism, contribute to this unfair treatment. Instead of being viewed as capable individuals deserving of the same level of care, older women are often dismissed as frail and helpless. They are deemed unfit for aggressive treatments or surgical interventions simply because of their age and gender. This discriminatory mindset not only undermines their autonomy but also denies them access to potentially life-saving medical interventions. It is disheartening to witness how these stereotypes perpetuate the notion that older women are merely complaining about multiple symptoms due to being “just old and lonely.”

Fighting ageism and sexism with education and empathy

Alternately, many minority women have had to endure disrespectful treatment within the healthcare system due to factors such as sexism, racism, or bias against lesbians. This history of mistreatment only amplifies the challenges they face when seeking proper care and support. Addressing this issue requires a comprehensive approach that tackles both sexism and ageism within the healthcare system. It is crucial for medical professionals and policymakers to recognize the unique needs and experiences of older women and work towards creating an inclusive and equitable healthcare environment. By acknowledging and challenging the double standards of aging in health care, we can work towards creating a more equitable system that provides comprehensive care for all older women, regardless of their background or identity. Furthermore, promoting more realistic and diverse views of older women in the clinical field is crucial. This shift in perspective can greatly improve doctor-patient relationships, as doctors will be better equipped to understand and empathize with their older female patients. Ultimately, this leads to improved adherence to treatment regimens and reduced disparities in health and healthcare for older women. It is time to dismantle these ingrained biases and ensure that every woman receives the quality care she deserves as she ages gracefully.

It’s strange and sad that so many women are unwilling to accept the fact they are aging and are no longer a minority. Women are now most of the Americans 65 and older. We have the chance to be part of the critical mass which can help change ageism and sexism.  By continuously educating ourselves about different cultures, perspectives, and experiences, we can gain a deeper understanding of the diverse realities faced by older women. This knowledge empowers us to recognize and challenge the double standards that unfairly affect us.

Self-awareness and empathy are the best ways to fight against double standards. Be aware of your biases. Consider whether you have different expectations of different people depending on their race, gender, or other factors. Consider how your decisions or actions may affect others. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Listen to others’ perspectives and change your views if needed. I believe we need to see more older women expressing their disappointment with the current status quo and ageism, including anti-wrinkle products and pharmaceuticals. As a former activist, the older woman should not find joy in fighting wrinkles. Instead, she should fight against ageism.

Advocacy and Activism against Ageism and Sexism

Advocacy and activism play a crucial role in effecting social change and dismantling ageism and sexism. Individuals and organizations can engage in advocacy efforts by raising awareness about the double standards faced by older women, promoting inclusive policies, and supporting initiatives that empower older women. This can involve lobbying for legislation that protects the rights and well-being of older women or participating in grassroots movements that challenge ageist and sexist practices.

It is crucial that we celebrate the beauty and wisdom that come with age, valuing the unique experiences and perspectives of older women. By embracing aging as a natural part of life, we can create a society that values individuals of all ages and genders, fostering unity, respect, and inclusivity. Let us stand together, advocate for change, and work towards a future where ageism and sexism are no longer barriers to the full participation and empowerment of older women.


Feeling Old, Feeling Done, Feeling Down: Women in Search of Meaning into Old Age.

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As society progresses, women have achieved remarkable strides in areas such as professional development, financial freedom, and political participation. However, despite this progress, many aging women find themselves at a crossroads when their traditional roles as family caretakers or professionals come to an end. The absence of clear purpose can lead to feelings of depression, desolation, and a sense of being “done” with life. They feel like falling into the pit of the void, confused to what their purpose can be in this new phase of life, a total uncharted land, no wonder some people say aging is not for the faint of heart.

Aging is not an isolated issue; it impacts society as a whole. With the increasing longevity ratio, the aging of baby boomers, and changing psychological, social, and spiritual needs, society must adapt to a new configuration and a new set of needs. Women face unique challenges in finding their place in society, and the prevalence of ageism, sexism, and misogyny exacerbates their struggles. In a patriarchal society, older women may feel undervalued, invisible, and despondent. To help these women find a new paradigm and purpose, we must develop new strategies and support systems to overcome the crisis of desolation and meaninglessness.

The Uncharted Land of Aging and Seeking Help

Aging women who no longer have the defined roles of family caretakers or trailblazing professionals often find themselves in an uncharted territory. They may question their new purpose in life and struggle with a lack of direction through this phase . Many of these women seek therapeutic support to aid their search for meaning and purpose; others find solace in building deep relationships with like-minded women who can serve as friends, advisors, and sounding boards. These connections can provide ongoing support long after counseling has achieved its goals and the crisis has resolved.

When it comes to professional help we face a dilemma. In the past, mental health services carried a stigma, but aging women, particularly baby boomers, have overcome this barrier. However, having explored various modalities such as psychotherapy, psychedelics, spiritual practices, and alternative medicine, some women may believe that psychotherapy offers nothing new for them in this phase of life. Thus, many  struggle with their dark night of the soul feeling lost and uncertain about their purpose in this unmapped land of aging. Overcoming this challenge requires a reorientation and a fundamental transformation of outlook towards oneself and the world but also a new paradigm for clinicians.. Empowering psychotherapy for aging women can provide a much-needed lifeline, helping them navigate the challenges of this new phase and find renewed purpose and fulfillment in their lives.

Rediscovering Purpose and Rebuilding Strength

The crisis of desolation and meaninglessness, some women experience as growing older often begins with a triggering event that catches these women off guard. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, a health issue, a financial crisis, retirement, or facing discrimination, these events can make life, and the life they’ve been living, feel suddenly meaningless. Physical symptoms such as headaches, dizziness, insomnia, and muscle cramps may accompany emotional symptoms like depression, lack of motivation, and despondency. It is essential to provide support to rebuild their strength and help them rediscover the purpose of their lives.

Many of my patients come to see me feeling that way and asking what is next? what is my role? What do I do now? It is not that they want an active life as active as they knew it in the past, but engaged, nonetheless. Active in a different way with a different perspective. For some, an option is undertaking the road of empowering themselves and finding their soul-call by searching therapeutic support that can support their quest for purpose, for others helps comes from building deep relationships with other women who feel the same and who could become not only friends but advisors, and sounding boards long after counseling has reached its goal, and the crisis has resolved.

Rediscovering purpose is a transformative journey that leads to laying the foundations for a fulfilling life. Aging women must find a sense of peace, understanding, and wholeness that may have felt lost. While finding the right help can feel like a puzzle, it is crucial to acknowledge that the clinical profession needs to better understand the unique needs of the aging population, particularly baby boomers. As clinicians, we must be prepared to evolve and adapt to effectively support these women on their journey.

A Different Therapeutic Approach

Navigating the challenges of finding meaning in old age is not always easy, and sometimes professional help and support may be needed. Therapists and counselors can provide valuable guidance and support in exploring one’s values, beliefs, and goals, and help women develop strategies for finding meaning and fulfillment in their later years.

Traditional therapeutic approaches may not fully meet the needs of aging women who feel purposeless. These women have already navigated their parents’ issues, workplace misogyny, domestic violence, and power struggles within relationships. Therefore, a more here-and-now, existential, and practical coaching approach is necessary to become a beacon of support for these women. We must be effective companions on their journey, providing guidance and counseling based on wisdom and giving. Additionally, support groups and community organizations can offer a sense of belonging and understanding. Connecting with others who are going through similar experiences can provide a safe space for sharing, learning, and growing. Seeking professional help and support is a proactive step towards reclaiming a sense of purpose and meaning in old age.

Arianna Huffington introduces the concept of the “third metric,” which expands the traditional measures of success  and healing. That third metric, she writes in Thrive, includes four pillars: well-being, wisdom, wonder, and giving. By embracing these pillars, aging women can live the lives they truly want and deserve, rather than settling for less. Designing a successful roadmap to aging well involves the challenge of what an associate of mine called the five R’s: reinventing, re-envisioning, re-imagining, reconnecting, and remembering the “way we were” and the wisdom we had harnessed.

Embracing change and reinvention is crucial for aging women to navigate this uncharted land successfully. They must reimagine their possibilities, envision a bigger picture, and reconnect with their communities. It is essential to remember the accomplishments and dreams of their past and reignite the fire that once burned within. Even if it feels like the fire has diminished, those embers can be rekindled and transformed into a vibrant flame once again.

On a Final Note

Empowering older women is about more than just breaking stereotypes and challenging societal expectations. It’s about recognizing the immense value and wisdom that comes with age, and celebrating the unique experiences that have shaped them. Older women possess a wealth of knowledge and life lessons that can be shared with younger generations, paving the way for a brighter future. By embracing personal growth and self-discovery, they inspire others to do the same, proving that age is not a barrier to pursuing dreams and passions. Cultivating social connections becomes even more important as we grow older, as it offers support, companionship, and a sense of belonging. Whether through joining clubs or organizations, volunteering in the community, or simply connecting with loved ones, older women have the power to create meaningful relationships that enrich their lives and those around them.

Seeking professional help should never be seen as a sign of weakness or defeat; rather, it is an act of strength and self-care. By seeking therapy or counseling, older women can address any mental health challenges they may face and develop coping strategies to navigate life’s ups and downs. Empowering psychotherapy for aging women provides a transformative space for old women to navigate the uncertainties of this new phase of life, offering support and guidance as they redefine their purpose and find meaning in the midst of the void.

In doing so, they set an example for others by prioritizing their well-being and showing that it’s never too late to invest in oneself. Empowering older women means recognizing their inherent worth and potential, while encouraging them to embrace new opportunities and continue growing throughout their lives. By defying societal expectations and redefining what it means to grow older, they inspire us all to live with purpose, passion, and resilience at any age.


The Value of Older Women in Society: Embracing Wisdom and Redefining Roles.

Most of my patients are older adults, vibrant retirees, eager to make the most of their newfound freedom and explore new passions. Others are empty nesters, adjusting to the bittersweet reality of having their children leave home. And then there are the baby boomers, who are facing the challenges of aging with determination and a desire for continued personal growth. As society continues to prioritize youth and marginalize seniors, it is important to recognize the unique value that older women bring to the table. Baby boomer women, who grew up during the feminist movement of the sixties and seventies, have fought for equal rights and challenged negative stereotypes. However, they now find themselves in a world that often overlook their contributions.

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The Challenges of Aging and Remembering the Legacy of the Women’s Movement

As women age, they face unique personal challenges that raise profound questions about their roles in society. The traditional goals of reproduction and child-rearing are no longer applicable, and careers may be in the past. Many older women find themselves in limited identities, such as caring for grandchildren or fulfilling caregiving roles for family members. For those who have spent a lifetime trying to make a difference, these limited roles can be difficult to bear.

Many of them fought the battles undertaken by the women’s  movement of the sixties and seventies and laid the foundation for generations of activists dedicated to equal rights, reproductive freedom, LGBTQ+ rights, anti-ageism, and more. From the civil rights movement to the shelter movement, older women have been influenced by these struggles and the impact of these movements on older women and their social influence in our social fabric cannot be ignored.

We question how the women’s movement has affected women of age. The women who took what they learned as activists in the civil rights movement and applied it to the rampant sexism of the civil-rights and black-power movements – who participated in the first sweeping consciousness-raising process that Bettina Aptheker called “learning to name our oppression” – these women are still too young to have been included in Coming of Age. But that phase of the women’s movement spawned two generations of equal rights, abortion rights, lesbian and gay rights, anti-ageism, and AIDS activists; a devoted, beleaguered army of caretakers of abused women and children in the shelter movement; and labor groups such as the CLUW and Women in the Trades, to name only a few “special interest” groups. Many old women, someplace along the line, have been affected by those struggles. In a youth-oriented society, aging women are often seen as invisible and diminished. The physical signs of aging, such as dry skin and wrinkles, are contrasted with the societal ideals of youth, beauty, vitality, and accomplishment. Jean Shinoda Bolen, a Jungian psychotherapist, aptly stated that becoming an older woman in a youth-oriented patriarchy is to become invisible, a nonentity. The “aging” woman, with her dry skin and wrinkled body, does not represent the pretty, sexy, vital, or accomplished; she is considered to be in her dimmed time. Jungian psychotherapist and author Jean Shinoda Bolen have said, “In a youth-oriented patriarchy, especially, to become an older woman is to become invisible: a nonentity.” Or, as historian Bettina Aptheker said in a public lecture of older people, especially women, “We’re either invisible, or we’re in the way.”This perception raises questions about the future and value of older women in society.

Elderly women today face personal challenges, triggering some profound questions–among them: What is their role as they age? Reproduction is no longer a goal; nor is raising children. If they had a career, it is in the past, or nearly so, and they feel they need something different but what?. Traditional roles for midlife or older women, such as caring for grandchildren or caregiving for a husband or other family member–are still common for women; these limited identities may be difficult to bear for those who spent a lifetime trying to make a difference. Needless to say that some of us, still are battling “those dragons” as Studs Terkel said when dedicating his book, Coming of Age, that we face when dealing with our own  “dark night of the soul”. We perceive this phase, often, as an explosion of a deep sense of meaninglessness. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything, one feels unvalued and drifting without a clear intention.

Then, what’s the future for this woman? What role should aging women play in our society? In a society where ageism and feminism are prevalent, it becomes crucial to address the future of older women. Empowering older women is not just about breaking barriers and changing stereotypes, but also about recognizing their immense value and contributions. As we strive for equality, it is essential to create opportunities that allow aging women to continue making a difference in various spheres of life. By embracing their wisdom, experience, and unique perspectives, society can benefit tremendously from the guidance and mentorship of these trailblazing women. It is time to challenge societal norms and ensure that older women are given the respect and platform they deserve to continue shaping our future.

Embracing Wisdom and Redefining Roles

While society may overlook the value of older women, there is a wealth of wisdom and experience that comes with age. Older women have lived through significant social changes and have valuable insights to offer. Their experiences can serve as a guide for younger generations and contribute to the collective wisdom of society.

Instead of accepting limited identities, older women have the opportunity to redefine their roles in society. They can break free from societal expectations and explore new avenues for personal growth and fulfillment. Mentoring younger individuals, engaging in community activism, pursuing creative endeavors, and advocating for causes they are passionate about are just a few examples of how older women can contribute to society. By reinventing themselves and using their wisdom to create and enrich the next generations of fighters, they could play a crucial role in enhancing our communities and, by the same token, value their background and history.  Creating intergenerational relationships, and connections with younger individuals, older women can pass on their wisdom, share their experiences, and bridge the generation gap. These relationships benefit both parties, as younger individuals gain valuable insights while older women remain engaged and connected to the world around them.

Overcoming Ageism and Unleashing Your Power

Ageism is a pervasive issue that affects older women disproportionately. By challenging ageist stereotypes and advocating for equal treatment, older women can create a more inclusive society. Recognizing the contributions of older women and providing them with opportunities for continued growth and participation will help combat ageism. Older women need to be seen and heard in all aspects of society. Media, advertising, and popular culture should reflect the diversity of women of all ages. By showcasing the accomplishments and stories of older women, society can break free from the narrow focus on youth and celebrate the contributions of all individuals. Representation matters!

Older women have played significant roles in shaping society and continue to have much to offer. It is essential that we recognize their value, embrace their wisdom, and provide opportunities for them to redefine their roles. By challenging ageist stereotypes, fostering intergenerational relationships, and designing new spaces and opportunities for older women to be part of our communities, we can create a more inclusive and equitable society that appreciates the unique contributions of older women. Let us celebrate their accomplishments and ensure that their voices are heard and valued in a space and time where age does not limit one’s potential or worth. By empowering older women, we can collectively work towards a more equitable and progressive society for all.


How to Thrive as Empty Nesters: Embracing a New Chapter of Life

As a childless auntie, I may not have firsthand experience with the joys and challenges of raising children, but I can certainly empathize with my sister as she experiences the mixed emotions  that come with witnessing her beloved child, my one and only nephew, finally leave the nest and venture off to college. It’s a rollercoaster ride, isn’t it?

On one hand, you can’t help but feel proud and happy as you watch them embark on this exciting new phase of their lives. You are filled with delight at the thought of the incredible opportunities that await them, the friendships they will form, and the knowledge they will acquire. It feels like watching a baby bird take its first flight, except with a lot more textbooks and late-night ramen noodle meals, and a larger tuition bill. But let’s be honest here, my friends, despite wanting to believe that you are all sunshine and rainbows when your children fly away, there is also a hint of sadness beneath your cheerful facade. Suddenly, your homes feel empty, silent, and dare I say it, from my sister’s perspective…tidier?

Entering the empty nest phase marks a profound life trajectory shift. As your children embark on their independent journeys, an exciting opportunity for self-discovery and personal growth awaits you. Empty nesters can embrace and maximize this transformative phase, turning it into a time of flourishing and newfound fulfillment.

Discover New Interests

Empty nesters often find themselves with more free time than they’ve had in years. Embrace this newfound freedom by exploring new passions and interests. Now is the perfect time to engage in activities you’ve always wanted to try, whether it’s taking up painting, trying out a new sport, or delving into the world of crafts. These are the hobbies that may have taken a back seat during the busy parenting years.

Online Learning for Career Advancement

When contemplating career advancement, consider the benefits of online learning. Pursuing specialized degrees, such as cybersecurity, can significantly enhance your skill set and pave the way for exciting professional opportunities. Online programs offer the flexibility needed to effectively balance your current responsibilities with your educational pursuits, ensuring a seamless path to career growth. Moreover, cybersecurity is one of the most in-demand fields today, and understanding how computers and network systems function equips you to help countless businesses and individuals.

Prioritize Your Social Life

Strengthening your social bonds is crucial during this phase of life. Make an effort to reconnect with friends and family members who may have taken a back seat during the parenting years. Join clubs or groups aligned with your interests to meet like-minded individuals who share your passions. Actively seek out opportunities to expand your social circle. Nurturing these connections can provide support and enrich your life in countless ways.

Engaging in a vibrant social life can be incredibly fulfilling for empty nesters, providing an opportunity to not only reconnect with friends, but also to forge new connections and explore exciting activities together.

Help Others and Give Back

Contributing to your community or causes you’re passionate about can be incredibly fulfilling during the empty nest phase. Utilize your experience and skills to make a meaningful difference. Whether it’s mentoring, organizing events, or supporting local charities, volunteering benefits others and brings a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Remember that volunteering is about helping others, but that doesn’t mean you won’t benefit from it as well. Helping to improve the lives of others has a way of boosting our own well-being.

This is true as well for retired older adults and middle-aged women, who have the unique opportunity to not only reinvent themselves but also inspire and guide younger generations by being mentors, leveraging their wealth of life experience and wisdom.

Spend Quality Time with Loved Ones

As your children venture into adulthood, cherish your moments with them. Reconnect with your life partner and create opportunities for quality time together. Consider hosting family gatherings to foster a sense of togetherness. Embrace the joy of spending time with grandchildren and extended family members, nurturing those precious family bonds that will bring you fulfillment and happiness.

Transform Your Living Space

Empty nesters often find themselves with extra space and resources. Use this opportunity to elevate your living space to new heights. Whether it’s renovating a room, crafting a comfortable and stylish environment, or personalizing your home to reflect your individuality, investing in your living space can enhance your daily life and make your home a sanctuary of comfort and creativity.

Opt for Mindfulness

Prioritize self-care and mental wellness during the empty nest phase. Explore wellness practices such as meditation, yoga, or mindfulness to bring a sense of calm and balance to your life. This phase offers the time and space to focus on your well-being, and by doing so, you can enhance your overall quality of life. Take stock of your blessings, practice gratitude, and spend more time in the present moment, fully embracing the opportunities that lie ahead.

Embrace New Beginnings

The phase of the empty nest is a thrilling and transformative chapter in life. It offers a chance to reinvent oneself and establish a gratifying, purpose-driven existence beyond parenthood. Embrace the possibilities that come with this new chapter and make the most of this exhilarating stage in life. With the right mindset, you can flourish as an empty nester and uncover a fresh sense of fulfillment and happiness.

Although, you may find yourself missing the sound of your children’s laughter, the chaos they brought into your lives, and even their irritating habit of leaving dirty socks strewn about–who would have imagined that one would yearn for those little irritations? Yet, it is in these moments of longing that you truly comprehend the immense love and joy your children brought into your lives. So, as we bid them farewell and watch them embark on this thrilling journey, let us cling to the memories and cherish the time we spent together. And who knows, maybe one day we will even long for those dirty socks.


Ageism and Sexism

We Need A New Paradigm for Old-er Women.

Ageism

I was stunned when Debbie—my 67-yer-old client, who has one Ph.D. in American history and a JD—told me that her contract as full-time faculty at a local law school had not been renewed. She is vivacious, energetic, intelligent, and adored by her students. I asked immediately, why? She has always told me she was on the “retire-at-85” plan and as far as I knew, Academia is supposed to be a world of respect and knowledge; a place where attaining knowledge and wisdom are regarded as the ultimate achievements. Nonetheless, Debbie told me she was forced into retirement! Debbie had spent 25 years of her life as a professor for several graduate and law schools, during which time she had received many awards for research and groundbreaking work. Now, she said “retirement has been forced on me, and my courses have been assigned to young-er faculty members, who are less expensive. For the first time, I have faced ageism as never before, and it is not a theoretical concept, anymore. It is real.” She, too, was shocked.

Yes indeed, ageism –although an old paradigm—is still in full force, current and pervasive permeating all layers of our society. Perhaps it is time to kick this new old paradigm with its ill-fated consequences for our society’s well-being to the curb and embrace a different more optimistic, engaging, and active paradigm of aging: one that does not fear aging but embrace it as a very meaningful and with a great potential phase of life.

Sexism

Like we did not have enough with the ageism in our culture, we also need to face Sexism.  The prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, against women, on the basis of sex, is a fact very well known on all fronts of society and affects women of all walks of life. Instances of sexism are experienced by our mothers, sisters, daughters, granddaughters, and all women and girls around the world. It is one of those phenomena would like to have the exclusivity of it but it is not like that. It is pervasive and perverse all around the world.

Sexism is based on the prejudice and extensive generalization that there is something faulty in women and it continues to impede women from their rights to grow and thrive in our society. Perhaps we are not as pretty and firm as we were when young-er but seasoned –or spicy, hot women—had fought for equality, diversity, had raised their self-esteem, run for public office. They have shaved off their internalized ageism and are ready to venture into new characters, created new connections, and created a new wave of accomplished women who give us the inspiration we need to live as first-class citizens and make our golden years shine and count, and do what needs to be done.

Not all of us get to that place and nevertheless, it is worth trying. A place where we can branch out, revolt, or go quietly happily ever after about life. Whatever works for you do it with gusto! Let’s this new woman be at the top of the hill and not over the hill. She can change her image of a raggedy crone to the one of mentor. to be proud and loud.

As many of us who are undertaking the journey through the uncharted land, we become pioneers with no maps but following our moral compass to be the best we can be. Being the eternal optimistic and positive thinker, she is, at 80 Ms. Steinem finds herself more productive and at peace than ever.  “…A dwindling libido, she theorized, can be a terrific advantage: “The brain cells that used to be obsessed are now free for all kinds of great things…” 


How to Save Your Closest Relationships During a Stressful Self-Isolation

No matter how well your family gets along under normal circumstances, spending more time at home together amid a global pandemic has likely put your relationships to the test. All that extra time in close quarters can not only lead to strained relationships but also physical, mental, and emotional health challenges for everyone, and more so for seniors. With that said, there are plenty of ways that you can relieve any ongoing tension and reduce the stress in your home. Few things you can do to preserve and strengthen your relationships during this time of crisis.

Seek guidance.

None of us is above getting help when we need it. If you and/or other family members are dealing with depression, anxiety, chronic stress, or other mood-related issues, it’s essential to get help. Whether it’s scheduling an appointment with a therapist or working with a health coach, help is out there for the taking. Depending on your family circumstances, you may even need to work with a mediator. Families with divorced parents might be experiencing a more significant toll right now. Norman Spencer, Ph.D. says that regardless of the situation, taking steps toward improving your physical, mental, and/or emotional health will pay off for you and everyone around you. And the benefits will carry over well past the pandemic.

Freshen up your living space.

 Oftentimes, your environment is a contributor to tension and stress. For example, if you notice people in your household criticizing one another, arguing, or complaining more than usual, take a close look at your living space. Is it dirty? Is it messy? If so, take steps to fix it. Declutter your entire home room by room, getting rid of any items that you don’t want or need. Deep clean your home from top to bottom. Make sure you are changing your air filters, put out some air-purifying houseplants, and take other steps to improve the indoor air quality of your home. Maintaining a clean living space can do wonders for relieving tension and stress.

Plan outdoor activities.

Another way that you can improve your overall health and well-being and foster the relationships in your household is to spend more time together outdoors. Over the past several decades, children and adults alike have been spending less time in nature.

However, the good news is that there are many outdoor activities that will allow you to unplug and reduce stress. Whether it’s setting up games in the backyard, hiking in the wilderness, or planning a weekend beach trip, getting out in the sun together may prove to give your family the boost of health and joy that you need.

Connect with other seniors, help in the community, reach out.

As Bob Shannon, from Seniors Meet, says: people of a certain older generation should get together and chat about the stuff their kids have no interest in.

On the other hand, it is not only self-agency but as a society, there is the level of social responsibility and action that can take place vis-à-vis the consequences of this pandemic around seniors. Support for older people, their families, and their caregivers is an essential part of the countries’ comprehensive response to the pandemic. The World Health Organization-Europe, states that “dissemination of accurate information is critical to ensuring that older people have clear messages and resources on how to stay physically and mentally healthy during the pandemic and what to do if they should fall ill”.

Give each other grace.

Finally, remember that this continues to be a stressful time for pretty much everyone. For a year and a half plus, everyday routines were upended for countless households across the country (and the entire world). And spending more together with other people is a breeding ground for tension and stress. But just because you and your family are having problems doesn’t mean that they can’t be fixed with a little work and determination. A piece of advice from ZenBusiness’s article on stress management for business owners translates well here — Everyone in your household should make a list of their stress triggers. That way they know exactly what can send them spiraling and take steps to avoid or walk away from situations where they know they could lose their cool.

And as we move forward and (hopefully!) fully emerge from the pandemic, make a point to show grace, patience, and understanding to one another, even when you don’t feel like it. And each of you will benefit both in the short term and long term.

Don’t let the COVID-19 pandemic continue to negatively impact your closest relationships. Remember to consider seeking professional help, clean up your home, get outside, and cut each other some slack, reach out to your community centers, start new zoom-classes when possible and talk to your friends about it, reach out, and with focused efforts, our relationships will begin to become stronger than ever.

 


Tackling Daily Life: How to Help a Senior Loved One After the Death of a Spouse

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When your spouse dies, your world changes. You are in mourning, feeling grief and sorrow at the loss.  The National Institute of Health had found that “…you may feel numb, shocked, and fearful. You may feel guilty for being the one who is still alive. At some point, you may even feel angry at your spouse for leaving you…” Death of a spouse at any age is a life-shattering experience. In addition to psychological impacts such as depression, grief can have physical consequences such as sleeplessness and loss of appetite. It is important to know that these feelings are normal and expected, although they manifest in different ways in different people. Grieving does not come on one size-fits-all.  Although with a great impact for anybody, losing a spouse or significant other is more devastating for seniors.

For seniors, bereavement can have a devastating effect on their immune system and cause them to lose interest in their own care. This may in part explain why many seniors experience a severe decline in health or even pass away shortly after the loss of a spouse. For some, the death of a loved one can result in stress cardiomyopathy, often referred to as “broken heart syndrome”. but for seniors who have depended on each other for years, the loss can feel beyond overwhelming. “Losing a spouse is a trying time in many aspects but it can bring also some positive aspects if we can see it that way, says Bob Shannon (*) founder of  SeniorsMeet.org.

Some new facts will settle in and become new realities, some challenges but also some new learning experiences that can speak to the old saying of seeing a glass half full or half empty. The financial aspect is a very important one to look at when speaking challenges. After a spouse’s death, it quickly becomes apparent just how fragile your senior loved one is, financially speaking showing as inability to handle bills and less independence in in accomplishing activities of daily living.

Decreased Independence

It is natural for health problems to arise as we age such as arthritis, low muscle strength, balance issues, and vision problems – some of which may require medication. When two people live together, help is never more than a shout away, and typically one person finds themselves reminding the other to take their medicine. Now that your loved one lives alone, that security blanket has been ripped away, leaving you to constantly worry. You may find yourself making daily phone calls or trips to check in. In some cases, your loved one may be the one making the calls, as this new world is overwhelming. It becomes a balancing act of helping out as much as possible, but also knowing when to take a step back.

If your senior loved one prefers to continue living alone, consider making helpful alterations. Simple home modifications such as stair railings, bathroom grab bars, ramps, or removing any tripping hazards will increase the safety of the home. Install a home monitoring system so your loved one can quickly and easily call for help, giving you both peace of mind.

Should your loved one have mobility issues that limit their ability to take care of household upkeep and maintenance, help them connect with professionals who can handle necessary tasks. Whether it’s having the gutters cleaned, windows repaired, lawn care, house cleaning or any other type of service, experts with top ratings and stellar reviews will give you both peace of mind. For example, many gutter cleaning companies commonly offer a discount for senior citizens. A search on Angie’s list on the topic will yield a lengthy list of professionals, some of whom may even offer specials. Having a dedicated spot to find experts ensures you both find the right people for the job.

A positive aspect: The glass half full.

While it may sound odd, the death of a spouse creates a learning experience. For example, one spouse may have never written a check or paid a bill, as their partner handled all financial obligations. In some cases, the surviving spouse doesn’t know how to cook or drive a car. All the new responsibilities can become overwhelming, but technology makes learning new tasks and skills a breeze.

Encourage your loved one to take a class at a senior center or sign up for senior classes at your local college or university. If your loved one isn’t already tech-savvy, persuade them to take a computer class to learn the basics. They can use their new skills to keep in touch with friends and family via email or social media, keep updated on local and global news, or search the Internet for whatever their heart desires, such as a new recipe for banana bread.

Don’t forget about basic tasks too. Your loved one will have to learn to take care of themselves, and this includesbasic needs such as eating right, adequate sleep, and socializing. So encourage them to stay active and healthy through exercise, healthy shopping lists, joining a local senior center or going out with friends once a week to eat dinner, bowl, or play cards. There may even come a time when your loved one is ready to consider a romantic relationship. If you find they’re longing for companionship, help them connect with senior-friendly dating sites. Making new social bonds and/or dating after the death of a spouse can be a touchy subject. Is it disrespectful to my spouse’s memory? What will my kids think? How long is long enough to grieve? Every widow and widower has different answers to these questions. In reality, there are no set answers but the will be the topic of a next post.

Daily life will change after the loss of a spouse, but with a little help, it is more than manageable.  Help your loved one come up with ways to take back their independence, and live a fulfilling life comforted by the fact that they have a lifetime of memories to cherish.

(*) Bob Shannon created SeniorsMeet.org, along with his wife, Mary, to have a website that allows seniors to meet up and talk about topics that are relevant to their daily lives. They hope to build SeniorsMeet into a community of like-minded seniors.


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